Challenging the assumption: You can't be a paid mentor and be receiving mentoring

For so long I didn’t put myself forward because I identified that I too struggled and was struggling and needed access support.

I felt conscious that non autistic people would devalue me as a psychotherapist and mentor. Once I was explicit with a parent about my autism when they commented on how transforming I was to their child, and using my autism as a reason why I notice things that others might not, I saw the blood drain from their face, and they made their excuses and I never heard from them again…

Even coming out as having ADHD to my employers at different times was hard enough, because whilst it was within Disability Services at various universities, only dyslexia or a physical disability are “accepted” as not part of their intelligence or capability as humans…. yet, I’ve known many wonderful disabled employees lose their jobs or pushed out because they’re too “slow” at their job even though they are effective, excellent and brilliant at it.

I was pushed out of mine for being too fast, hitting my targets, being 3 months ahead and the disabled university students found me accessible, I had built them a multi lingual website that signposted them to counselling services in over 40 languages in London. A male colleague got so frustrated that I knew my job so well he attempted to teach me a lesson by showing me how to use the phone in front of everyone in the open plan office. As many autistic people can contest to, we are detail orientated… and so I made a complaint about his sexism and ableism… and when they found out I was autistic, it was easier to push me out, than deal with his derogatory behaviour.

On this experience my ADHD specialist identified it was my co-morbid autism and ADHD condition that really can rile up colleagues who want to take out their incapability on me… so what did I do?

I realised that I don’t thrive on competition but work in a collaborative context.

What do you choose? An empathetic and effective boss, or one who only hits targets but who is nasty, unkind and awful to disabled students?

The same I see happening in the “access support” arena, those who can talk the talk and come across as an amazing coach or mentor, are getting all the clients.

A well known ADHD coaching company was putting out an advert for their PA who needed more hours and would any other coach or mentor want them? I applied to the advert as I required a new PA, the ADHD coach only talked at me and wasn’t interested in hearing me at all, when I explained I was autistic and had processing delay so could she slow down, I could hear the ableism in her voice as she made her excuses that her PA wouldn’t be a good fit and then she hung up.

Stunned at the ableism at my mention of autism… I’ve been stunned by a few “ADHD only” groups that again look down on autism.

Yet, they’re getting all the clients because they have excellent sales technique.

I have awful sales technique - just look at the followers for Magical Women - we were once told, “You have a really unique selling point and your social media follows should be into the thousands” and I acknowledge that but I am awful at hooking people in at a consistency that I can keep up with. (Not just because I’m autistic, but because I have chronic illnesses and conditions I can’t keep up the momentum and because of the large gaps, so then we lose followers.

So conscious of my inability to keep up the momentum… and conscious of the discrimination against autistic people and the unconscious bias autistic mental health professionals experience, I remained as someone with ADHD but keeping the autistic part quiet except in workshops or 1:1 with students who I knew would feel more supported by having an autistic coach or mentor.

So I never put myself forward for arts mentoring or consultancy positions but no more, I’ve decided to be open about being both autistic with ADHD and dyspraxic with verbal dyslexia (using the wrong words and mixing up words)

For the past 15 years I’ve been working as a Specialist Mentor, Academic advisor and study skills tutor with disabled students (mainly neurodivergent students) and those with chronic health conditions at universities across the UK and in China.

Testimonials from my university students all highlight how transformative I am to their studies, their marks, access to their exams and their employment opportunities.

But… unlike many other mentors and consultants who are able to ask for £100 a pop or the likes…. I remain unable to ask for that and wonder if it’s part of my neurodivergence? My autism and ADHD traits prevents me from identifying my worth and also knowing how to put myself out there.

I see a wonderful mentor, who has offered their insight and support pro bono because she recognises my low income background and my struggle. I also receive support from the National Autistic Society ASSIST which has been fundamental in my access, my care, and my ability to sound out everything in my head without fear of prejudice, assumptions or being triggered.

When we think of CEOs and psychotherapists - they all have assistants, and supervision - to keep themselves safe and also in “working order” they too need the “scaffolding” and the support but because I am disabled, autistic, and have chronic conditions imposter syndrome is drilled in deep.

So no more, yes, I require access support to keep on top of invoicing, and to sometimes write emails and have templates etc but that doesn’t mean that I’m not skilled.

A skilled mentor is one who shares their skills but also ensures they are effective mentors. I see the fact that I go for mentoring myself as further dedication to the craft that is mentoring.

So for those of you who are struggling with the concept of being able to help others but can’t unless you too receive support - just see it as making yourself an even more effective access support.

The access support I offer my clients and students ensures they can access their studies, their employment and further their (arts) practice.

I’ve supported autistic and ADHD graduates into high paying jobs, and supported art graduates with funding applications.

The access support I receive ensures I can be the most effective for my students and my clients.

And it also means that if I can’t do something, that I can be honest with my clients “Actually, I find this budget form bit a little tricky, my assistant will take a look for me.”

A second pair of eyes is essential.

I hope this article has been helpful to you in identifying what kind of mentor or coach you’d like to approach in the future.

I am an art psychotherapist, mentor, tutor and practitioner who requires access support to stay in employment, to stay effective and be effective for when I practice and work with you and others.